


hold on, i still need you

by TheDeviantSentByJericho



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Caring Logic | Logan Sanders, Dissociation, Gen, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Platonic Analogical - Freeform, Platonic Relationships, Self Confidence Issues, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), good ending, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27512269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeviantSentByJericho/pseuds/TheDeviantSentByJericho
Summary: Virgil is struggling. But he's not alone.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 62





	1. you locked yourself in the bathroom

Virgil had locked himself in his room again.

This wasn't an uncommon occurrence, happening every so often when things were overwhelming and the purple side wished to keep his struggles from impacting the others, but that did not make it any less concerning.

Logan didn't know if the others had noticed yet.

Patton had, but aside from a worried look and a few tense words, he'd continued as usual. The smell of burning cookies filled the air, and Logan winced to himself. Stress-baking usually went worse than Patton's regular baking, and Patton, for all his passion, was not good at baking.

On a normal day, Logan might have offered to help. On a normal day, he would have continued to work until he was called down. On a normal day, he would have pushed his concerns aside.

But for some reason, this did not feel like a normal day. 

Logic was not one prone to worrying. The most reasonable reason for his anxiety would be, well, Anxiety's Anxiety spilling over. Yet that in and of itself would be a reason to worry- while their rooms didn't block out _all_ impacts, it _was_ their purpose, and a lot of it should have been contained. That enough would escape to be noticeable, and noticeable to _Logan_ of all Sides-

Well.

It was concerning.

Patton was stress-baking in the kitchen. It wouldn't be a good idea to disturb him. Roman was grumbling over some project or another- Logan doubted he'd noticed the unusual wave of negativity, or that Virgil was missing at all. Needless to say, sending Roman in was off the table. Remus and Janus would most certainly only make it worse, though Logan did consider them- before Virgil had joined them, they would have been his family, correct? That idea was dismissed as soon as Logan recalled how Virgil reacted to them, and how they responded to him.

No. 

There was no one.

Except...

"Thomas?" Logan said, sinking into the _actual_ living room, where Thomas was just walking in from the _real_ kitchen. The human looked up.

"Oh, hey Logan! What do you need?"

"It's Virgil," Logan said, clasping his hands behind his back. "He's locked us out again. I am worried, but none of the others are in a fit state to help him."

Thomas frowned. "He hasn't- you know..." He made a few gestures Logan had to work to decode.

"He has not ducked out, if that is what you are asking about. He has simply locked us out, as opposed to trying to rid us of himself completely. As far as I can tell, at the least. We could still find him, though it would be harder than it would be under normal circumstances."

Thomas relaxed a little, but not completely. "If he's still around, then what's the concern? He'll be back soon, won't he?"

"Perhaps, but due to the increased levels of anxiety we are all experiencing, despite the locked status, I am worried for his well being. Virgil has displayed self-destructive inclinations in the past, through isolation and of course attempting to 'duck out', and I do not wish for things to be that bad again." _I don't want to lose him,_ were the words left unsaid. Despite their quarrels, Logan had grown to consider the purple side as a friend, even a member of their little family, and he didn't want to let him go, especially not before he realized just how much he meant to all of them.

The blue side swallowed. "The others are not in a fit state to attend to him, so I was hoping that you would be willing to go in and talk to him," he said, fidgeting with his tie and keeping his eyes locked on Thomas'.

"Sure Logan, I'd be glad to be able to help but, well, don't you think... Don't you think it would be better if you did it?"

Logan blinked. "Me? Thomas, you know as well as I that I am _not_ the person you want to have dealing with emotions."

"Perhaps not, but... Logan, you've always been the one most attuned to Virgil's needs. You've always been the first to notice him struggling, and even though you don't know what to do, you always have the biggest impact in helping calm him down. And you said it yourself, the others are too emotional. They'd just overwhelm him, and make matters _worse!_ You're a lot better at taking care of us all than you think, Logan." Thomas smiled sadly at him.

Logan sighed. "Well. I suppose you do have a point. I'll do my best. Thank you, Thomas."

Thomas grinned. "Anytime, logic man."

The blue side sank out.

Virgil's door was locked, and there was no sound from inside. Logan knocked anyway. "Virgil? It's Logan. May I come in?"

No response.

"Virgil?"

"Virgil if you don't answer me I'm coming in, alright?"

There was a faint voice, barely audible as Logan pressed his ear to the door. "ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᵉ ᶦⁿ! 'ᵐ ᶠᶦⁿᵉ⁻ᶦ'ᵐ ᶠᶦⁿᵉ,"

"It doesn't sound like it, Virgil. I'm going to come in now, okay?"

"ⁿᵒ! ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ!"

Logan gritted his teeth and unlocked the door.


	2. lying on the floor when i break through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is not okay. But he will be.
> 
> They'll make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the titles come from hold on by chord overstreet, and are a very overdramatic summary, don't worry, it's not QUITE that bad (yet).

Virgil's room was empty.

That was the first thing he noticed.

The second was the smell of blood.

"Virgil?" Logan called, forcing his voice calm. "Where are you, Virgil?"

The voice was stronger now, coming from beyond the closed bathroom door. "I'm... I'm in here. In the bathroom. I'll- I'll be out in a second, okay, Lo?"

"Ah."

Was that it? Was that the problem? He'd just been in the bathroom, that's why he wasn't responding, why his voice had sounded so pained. If so, that would be rather embarrassing, and Logan would be so, so relieved.

But it didn't explain the blood.

It took a moment, but there was a click, and slowly the bathroom door slid open. Hands in his hoodie pockets, Virgil stepped out, pressing his arms to his sides, his face pale and movements nervous. "What's up?" he asked, but the purple side's tone was far less flippant than usual.

"I merely wished to 'check in' on you Virgil. You have been very distant today, to say the least. Is there something wrong?"

Virgil seemed startled, but he hid it with a cough. "What? No, I'm fine, just nervous about the last video. Didn't want to burden you guys."

Logan frowned.

"You could never be a burden to us, Virgil."

A faint scoff, and a fainter smile. "Yeah, sure, Logic man." 

"I mean it."

Grunting, Virgil shrugged. "Is there anything else you need, now I've assured you that there's nothing to worry about?" 

"Yes, in fact. May I see your wrists?"

"My wrists‽ What? Why?" He clutched his arms even closer to his chest. Logan's heart sank. 

While Virgil's reaction was not out of the ordinary, and Logan _had_ expected resistance, best case scenario would have expected a sarcastic reaction such as 'Because _that's_ a normal thing to ask someone,' or 'I know what you're worried about Lo, but you can relax, ok? I'm not doing it." This was more of a defensive 'how did you know?'.

"I can smell the blood from here, Virgil."

"Oh."

"Your wrists."

"Which one?"

"Whichever you've been using."

Wordlessly, he extended his arms. Dark wetness was already beginning to bloom through the cloth over his right forearm. Concerned, Logan tended to that one first.

Underneath the dark fabric, there were layers of bandages, clearly hastily applied and bleeding through. Hissing under his breath, Logan didn't attempt to unveil the wound just yet. "I'm going to need you to come to my room," he said. "I have medical supplies there."

"But-"

"No. Your wounds must be attended to. There is far too much blood currently."

"I can take care of it, I swear!"

"Virgil, from the looks of it you may well need stitches."

"...oh."

"Come on. Keeping you alive and safe is my priority."

Virgil had known it would go badly as soon as he'd heard the knock on the door. Actually, he'd known something was wrong before that, when his hand slipped and far more blood and pain than he'd been expecting welled from one of his wounds.

He hadn't _meant_ to cut so deep. His hand just slipped, that was all.

He'd been staring at it for who knew how long before he heard Logan at the door. Scrambling to hide the wounds, everything had felt slow, blurry, weak. It was an effort not to stumble or slur his words as they talked. Walking the short distance to Logan's room, he'd had to lean precariously on the other Side. Logan hadn't mentioned it, but Virgil had felt so ashamed.

Sitting down on Logan's star-patterned bedsheets, he'd only been dimly aware of the blue side's gentle ministrations, understanding nothing of what he said. Except for one thing. 

"You're going to be okay. I promise."


	3. i pull you in to feel your heartbeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets better before it gets worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for the obvious stuff- reflecting on what happened, you know, all that glory. also there's some going nonverbal due to stress (ASL in used in place). Also also something that I'm guessing is dissociation, though I didn't realize that was the name for it until recently so I may be using the term wrong.

Roman was scared. 

There was no other word to describe the electric dread that clenched at his heart, fueling his pacing and his racing thoughts.

Was it his fault? Had be been kinder, softer, more understanding, would this have been avoided? If he had questioned, noted, seen- would Virgil be sitting across from them, hiding a grin at some stupid joke? Instead of... 

Cold, unconscious, and pale, lying in Logan's room as if- as if dead.

Patton was on the couch, sobbing into a stuffed animal.

The red side's heart twinged. He wanted to comfort his father figure, he did, but the thought of sitting still, of trying to help handle the aftermath of a problem he had caused- 

He couldn't. 

He shook his head wildly, desperately, as if the movement would banish the world from around him and he would awake in his own bed in a cold sweat.

Nothing changed.

This was real.

Logan had told them what had happened, what he'd found, then shut them out again, left them shaking in the living room, terrified of the truth.

Virgil had tried to kill himself.

A choked sob wrangled itself free from Roman's throat.

Virgil had tried to kill himself.

He shouldn't be so shocked. But no matter how many times Roman repeated the words to himself, it didn't seem to sink in.

Virgil had tried to kill himself.

There was a soft tug from Thomas. A request. 

Roman considered ignoring it. Now was _not_ the time!

But Patton looked up with tear-filled eyes, a question. Reaching out, Roman pulled a blanket over the fragile side."I'll- I'll go. Someone needs... someone needs to explain." He swallowed. "What happened. He- Thomas- He... He deserves to know."

Patton smiled, as much as the emotional side could in that situation. His left hand peeked out from under the blanket and reached up to his chin and out. "THANK-YOU."

Roman nodded, smiling sadly, and sank out.

Thomas was waiting in the actual living room, pacing anxiously. Roman dimly recognized that as a good sign.

He was still too shocked to really care.

"Roman! What's going I feel- where's everyone else? Are you okay? You're crying..."

Tracing his fingers across his cheek, he felt wetness. _Huh. So I am._

He stared blankly at his host, not sure what to say.

"Roman?"

"Virgil tried to kill himself."

Thomas blinked, eyes going wide, hands covering his mouth. "What? But- but- but I still feel anxious!" 

Roman laughed dryly, devoid of any emotion whatsoever. "Yeah, well he's still alive. Thanks to Logan."

Thomas relaxed visibly. "Is he going to be okay?"

"I don't- I don't know. I don't _know_!" Romans' knees buckled, and Thomas lunged to catch him. "What if he's not? And- and he _obviously_ wasn't okay, how did I not see the signs? Was... was this my fault?"

Thomas was firm. "No. None of this was your fault. We just... We just have to be here for him. We- we know now, right? We can help?"

A tired voice came from behind them. "We can do our best."

"Logan!" Thomas and Roman exclaimed in unison. "Where's Virgil? Is he okay? Is he safe?" Their voices blurred in a worried cacophony.

Logan raised a hand, weariness and sorrow radiating off of every part of him. "He's with Patton in the living room. He's... still very weak. I didn't think it would be a good idea to move him out of the mindscape, but physically at least, he'll be fine. We're lucky sides heal fast."

"Can I see him?" Thomas asked quietly.

"That would be a good idea. But you have to come to him, not the other way around."

"Okay. I... I can do that. I want to see him. Roman, are you okay?"

Roman forced a smile. "I'm fine. Let's go check on our favourite emo, yeah?"

They all sunk out together.

Thomas took in the scene as quickly as he could. At first, nothing seemed off. Virgil was perched on the edge of the sofa, refusing to make eye contact with Patton, who was wearing his cat onesie and hugging a stuffed animal to his chest. But a second glance revealed tears still flowing down Patton's cheeks, the edges of bandages peering out from under Virgil's sleeves, and the red-rimmed eyes of everyone present. 

Hair swayed in the air as Virgil peeked up at Thomas then rapidly returned his gaze to the floor. All the sides waited with bated breath.

"Virgil..." Thomas breathed.

Virgil looked up again, and for a moment their eyes met, one set filled with sadness and grief, the other anguish and fear. **"I'm sorry!"** They each said, at the same time.

Startled, Virgil stared at him. "Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry you're suffering. I'm sorry we let you feel like we'd be _okay_ if you were gone."

Virgil looked away. "'s not your fault."

"Fault isn't the question here. It's no one's _fault_. That doesn't mean I'm not sorry."

Logan cleared his throat. "Thomas is correct. Suicide is not a crime- not in the US, at least. It is a symptom of a disease that has been left untreated for far too long. It is not your fault, Virgil. That does not mean it is _okay_ , merely that there is no need or helpfulness in blaming anyone. Your feelings are valid, though we would of course prefer you did not feel this was the most appealing option."

"No-! I-!" Virgil took a deep breath. "I didn't really _want_ to die, it wasn't a suicide attempt, I swear! Not this time, anyway. It was an accident. I just... didn't care enough to live?"

Patton whimpered in the corner. Roman wrapped his arms tighter around him.

"Virgil, putting aside the fact that you have clearly had these thoughts before and seriously considered acting upon them, which is concerning enough, parasuicide attempts are generally still considered suicide. Either way, you were engaging intentionally in behaviour designed to be self-destructive, and when that did, in fact, turn out to be potentially fatal, you did not care! You do not show even a _basic_ understanding of your own self-worth and that is _agonizing_ to watch." Logan seemed on the edge of tears himself. 

Virgil turned away.

There was silence.

Until Patton stood and walked over to Virgil, steps shaky and voice raw when he spoke. "Hug?" 

Still not looking, Virgil nodded. Patton wrapped his arms around the other side, who slowly relaxed into it, burying his face into Patton's arms. His shoulders began to shake. Patton swallowed, trying desperately to avoid breaking into sobs again. 

"It's going to be okay, kiddo." he murmured. "You're- you're gonna be okay."

"promise?" 

"Pinky Promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in short, someone always cares


End file.
